I don’t want to Talk about Work at Home
The other day I heard a couple disagreeing and one of them said, “I don’t want to bring work home.” It seems the couple was discussing when to talk about work and when not. I began thinking how many times we attempt “to leave work at work” and compartmentalize and shield the other aspects of our lives from the prominent role of employee/entrepreneur.
Let’s consider the amount of time you have on a given workday.
On average, you spend 9-12 hours working each day.
On average, you get 6-8 hours of sleep each day.
Before the pandemic, the average person commuted about 30 minutes each way to work.
So if you’re average, you spend 16-21 hours away from your partner each day. This leaves about 3-8 hours to interact with your partner each day. If you have children, the time available quickly dwindles to about 1-2 hours each day. Think about it, if in 24 hours you and your partner interact for 1-2 hours and you attempt to focus solely on family management, the kids’ activities, or anything else besides work, your relationship may quickly begin to feel like a business meeting, and less like a romantic partnership.
On the other hand, I hear you saying well since I only have 1-2 hours, we should not talk about work with such little time. Now, if you can honestly say in those 1-2 hours you’re having emotionally connecting conversations, I will yield. However, if you’re on this site, I’m going to guess, you’re not having those connecting conversations. You’re probably talking about surface topics, having transactional sex, and going to sleep.
When your boss infuriates you, it is easy to understand why you don’t want to discuss it with your partner. They don’t know your boss or that colleague. They may not understand the intricacies of your job. However, your partner may be a safe sounding board or perhaps they’ve dealt with irritating co-workers or a demanding boss and have the wisdom to share. But more importantly, if you share your frustrations, they will know about the stress of your day and may be more understanding when you snap at them, yell at the kids, or are quiet around the house. Short of knowing the ‘why,’ they may conclude they’ve done something to cause the distance which may result in stress at home in addition to work stress.
When you’re spending down the road after a rough day at work, you’ve already brought work home.
When you seclude yourself from your family because you need to calm down or decompress, you’ve already brought work home.
When you have a drink and another and another after a hard week, you’ve already brought work home.
So since you’ve probably brought work home with you anyway, why not talk about it? Talking about your thoughts, feelings, or actions at work helps you relieve stress and brings your partner into a world that they don’t share with you and otherwise may not have visibility into.
Don’t run off and start talking about work immediately. Keep reading, there are a few things to consider.
Express Your Needs
Before you begin talking, inform your partner of your needs. If you need them to just listen and empathize, let them know. If you need help solving a problem, let them know that also. This will eliminate their need to solve your problems and give unwanted advice.
Set Expectations
Determine the frequency you will discuss work. This fluctuates with your workload. There are times when you may need to discuss work each day and other times when you discuss work once a week. Creating a desirable environment requires you and your partner to express your ability to listen often. Be willing to communicate when you can listen for 15-minutes or four hours. (SIDE COMMENT: Don’t you hate it when you talk to someone and they half-listen?)
Set Limits
When you discuss work put limits on the discussion. You’ve been at work for 9-12 hours, don’t talk about it for another 9-12 hours. A great tool is the 14-minute stress-reducing conversation. Set a 7-minute timer, taking turns each person speaks uninterrupted until the timer sounds. After the 14-minutes, if you have follow-up questions, ask them and great listeners usually do have follow-up questions. NOTE: During these conversations, be your partner’s ally and support. Don’t take the opportunity to share how their failings at work show up at home also.
Reduce Stress Together
Determine constructive ways to relieve stress solo and with your family. It is easy to isolate, decompress, and go to the bar alone for a couple of drinks. You haven't engaged with your family for anywhere from 16-21 hours, try something different! Consider incorporating your family into your stress-reducing protocol. In addition to the 14-minute stress-reducing conversation, consider going for a run, playing board games, video games, going to happy hour with your partner, washing the cars, playing music, dancing around the house, singing, yard work or gardening, cooking together, bike riding, playing catch, playing soccer, or going to the batting cage. I could list tons more but you get it.
We live in a stress-laden society so having a place to retreat to that is safe, welcoming, and calming is key for every relationship and family. When it rains, you don’t run off and leave your partner. You either put up an umbrella to protect you both or you run together out of the rain. Instead of compartmentalizing your stress, find ways to support each other through your stress. Start by creating that safe, welcoming, and calming place your partner wants to run to share their stress today. I’m here to help you if needed!